So much going on...
in my head right now. This semester for me at school has been hell. At at the point of giving up. I have so little energy right now. I am thinking about everyone but myself right now. The past three weeks my dad which is the alcoholic in my life had another stent put in his heart, that was hard for me to be at college and not be at home. Second my friends Jennica is bulimic and he killing herself slowly and no one seems to care here at my college, I am depressed, sad, angry, feeling guilty, feeling like a vitimn again in all this. I hurt so bad right now. I hae been working with my counselor and it has been so hard. Remembering my past yes my dad is an alcoholic but I had no idea of the feeling behind that. I am a member of Al-Anon and that helps but lately it has not been helping at all. I forgive my dad for most things but one I haven't yet. My dad driving drunk with my brother and me in the car all the time when I was little and had no say. I father is to protect you an my dad didn't. I am angry about that but great God never let anything bad happen to anyone for that matter. I don't know how to let go of that. I love my dad so much and i feel guilty for thinking these things now since of his heart and him having heart disease and by the way an alcholism cause heart disease if so that pisses me off too right now too. He drank for 13 years of my life and now that he is not drinking and our relationships is growing he is still going ot die because of the years of drinking got to his heart. WOW I did not know that was in me. I am angry because. I am glad i ma letting this out but hate it at the same time. When I was little probably around 7 or so my dad and me we on the floor playing around and I wanted my dad to stop but he wouldn't and he touched too far up on my leg and it freak me out and I was trying to pull away and he would let go and I hit him and he inturn hit me and i got into. He never aplogized for doing that to me. I know he was drunk and that it was I guess an accident but it has had a long affect on me. I wish I could express that to my dad. Comes down to proecting me and he didn't I felt that i did something wrong and i still feel that way a little bit.
I am in my room at school and noone is around and i wish someone was around to talk to. All my friends are gone righ tnow which sucks. I feel so alone right now but I know God is with me I want someone to hold me
Thanks for lettign me vent
Shana