Very new here, need a nudge...
Long story short : I'm 25, supporting myself for the last 9 years. I work in the entertainment industry in LA, and run a home business for extra income. I started drinking (socially) when I was out of the country at 15. It slowly crept up on me, and at about 22 I started to drink too much. Now I'm at about 1 750 ml of vodka/gin a day, 2 bottles of wine or a 12 pack of beer.
I think I started to drink because I have a very low self esteem and hard personal life (in my opinion). I am supporting my elderly grandmother (ie paying bills and spending 2 days a week with her that, I'm sorry, but I dread...I never liked her) and also helping out my mother. My career and dreams = last on list. There isn't any other family, there is no one I know that I can go to for help because ... even my friends don't believe that I drink too much. Yes, okay, because I can drink a 1/2 bottle of hard liquor in your presence without you noticing. My mother even confronted me once after finding a couple beer bottles in my bag...never to be mentioned again. She was mad that I spent money on that instead of buying something 'useful'. Apart from that, she didn't care.
I am so disgusted with myself, I can't even describe it. I want to work through this, but there is not one person I know in real life who I would be comfortable discussing this with, and apparently I need that. I cannot deal with my life without...something. I really need someone to tell me it's okay and tell me to keep working, I think.
Thank you if you've read this whole rant...please comment. I just need to know I'm not alone. I want to succeed and stay sober SO badly, and all of your thoughts are appreciated. I am planning to cut down slowly to ease myself into it and prevent side effects...no insurance OR time to take away from work.
Wishing all of you a good weekend,
maketracks