This is an awesome thread. I'm in an alcoholic closing in on 2 months sobriety but I too struggle with codependency. My exAbf consumes my mind more than alcohol these days. What I have been looking at in the process of detachment is exactly why I attached myself to someone so intensely. My ex is alcoholic and an addict with much more troubling issues of childhood than I ever endured. If possible, I know he is actually more broken. We had a very tumultuous relationship...as two broken people will. For most of it, I was either confused or hurt and angry. We hurt each other mostly. We both shared same demons. Nevertheless I attached like a barnacle to a ship..more so than he I think...is that because he was more emotionally abusive to me than I was to him? I shared some very wonderful moments with the man..but in general, the relationship was hard, confusing and painful... but after we parted I still wanted it back. I'm in recovery and he is still drinking. I only want him back if he too wants recovery. He does not.
I have often attached myself to painful relationships that I don't want to leave...that is extremely problematic. Alcoholics will always be dishonest while drinking, we are emotionally crippled and will act/react out of fear 90% of the time. Acting out of fear and pain is always painful to the recipient.
Why do we attach ourselves to pain and hurt and confusion. We do we want to be with people so unwell. There is a whole world out there...and relationships that are loving rather than painful and confusing...why do we not want to hold out for that? Self esteem has a heck of a lot to do with it...as does fear.