This is my first day on this board, too, and I'm so grateful that you all share your experiences! You mean I'm not the only one living on an emotional roller coaster??
Here is my dilemma and I'd love to hear your insights!
I'm really surprised, but no one so far has mentioned physical intimacy (yes, sex) and the lack there of. My AH has been in recovery a week now and for some reason I thought he'd FINALLY want to have sex or even just hold my hand! Instead, he is still mean frequently and still blames me for many of our problems. Tonight he gave me a list of what character flaws I need to change before he can show he loves me. As always, he emotionally blackmails me to get me under his control. He gets even meaner when he succeeds to break me, so I've learned to act unphased even if I want to cry.
Anyway, I can detach at will...but I have 2 problems there.
1. I go to extremes. I either want a loving relationship with kindness and physical contact (even just hugging or holding my hand!) -OR- I want to pull away completely and X him out of my life. His inconsistency freaks me out and leaves me feeling unsafe emotionally because he'll become verbally abusive quickly even now that he's sober.
2. How do you detach and still love someone who is denying you physical intimacy?? I can ignore his verbal abuse and walk away easily...BUT I can't get past his power to deny my needs for intimacy. He knows it breaks my heart that he won't hug me or have sex with me and it's not like I can just go to someone else for that emotional bond. How do you find happiness when you can't get these needs met? I can't imagine learning to live without this intimate contact (and I don't want to!).
Thanks! Heidi