I am new to this myself
I am a 43 year old mother of two young children & two older children. Who I love and adore. Easier than I do myself. I posted a thread elsewhere and don't know how all this works...but I just wanted to share a little.
I really don't know where to begin so I will start with the list of who I am. I am a neglected, depressed, abused, anorexic, bulimic, ex user, and current alcoholic.
The worse that brought me to seek help was in my mid 20's when I was 5'9 and weighed barely 70lbs. I was in a abusive, destructive, lonely marriage with two small children.
Fortunately the two grown children are beautiful children with issues of their own. Which I am sure I had a huge hand in. Now I have a hand in messing up my younger ones.
I now am involved and engaged to a man that has beaten me like a dog. On a few occassions and now mostly with his mouth and intimidating behavior. I can't say that the alcohol doesn't help me somewhat stand up. But I am one not to resort to hitting. I have always been one to abuse myself way before I abuse anyone else. But isn't that just another part of me that plays the marytr. Knowing good and well my actions and behavior are affecting someone.
The reason I am writing is now my abuser has used the alcohol as a way of throwing me down even further. He is right. It is pathetic. The one thing I never wanted to become. My parents were alcoholics, and ragers, and totally incapable of giving parental love and nurturing. So I become them.
I started drinking and realized that it started helping me let go of the anorexic and bulimic rituals. It even helped me lose weight. It helped me lose alot, alright. I tried telling my doctor that I had it in my head that if I stopped then i would gain weight and I would go back to the other things. I truly believe it. Now I find that I am not only those things but an alcoholic on top of it.
I don't know what to do. My self esteem is at an all time low. My self worth is worthless. I am just playing into my fiancee's abuse. I have to sit here and face that I am still abusing myself. I am allowing others to abuse me. It is terrible. I feel as if I am on the outside looking and watching a person just lay there and let people kick, punch, slap, and demoralize them...and they aren't fighting back...just laying there.
I guess I am feeling utterly pathetic. I needed to tell someone. I needed to hear it or see it outside of my head.
I need something and I don't know if I will ever find it. I just know i have children that i am suppose to be raising. I am suppose to be a role model. I am suppose to show them to love themselves. Respect themselves. Draw boundaries with people and demand respect. How can I when I don't know how myself?
It is sort of sad and good to say I am glad to see that others have been where I am and glad to see they are better than where I am. I hope you find strenghth in the wisdom and the words that I have seen in just the minutes I joined this site. Hopefully, I will use the good sense that God gave me and take the advice and do something about my situation. Good luck.