learningtolive

hi everyone,

i'm an alcoholic and a cocaine addict, and have been using both on and off for more than 20 years. it's been difficult, and i'm not sure how i've managed to get by.

i spent a few months in outpatient recovery a couple of years ago, and it was very helpful. my life and coping skills improved in many ways. though i'm surely in trouble now, i'm a lot better off than i could have been. i managed to stay sober for a year.

but i found myself with time on my hands after getting let go from a job. and i started drinking again. i found that i couldn't drink without doing coke. i held back, sobered up for a few months, but went right back. lately i've been drinking and doing coke weekly or bi-weekly. if i don't drink, i don't use coke.

it's such a frustrating, futile cycle, and i'm often saddened by it. the guilt, the anger, the disappointment - i'm sure you all know. but i can't stop it. every time i go out to drink, i convince myself that this time it will be different, but it almost never is.

one of the forces that moved me back into using was the fact that i really missed the life. being sober was very good, had a lot of benefits; but it still couldn't replace the feeling of being out drinking and using coke. i felt like my sobriety was an affliction. and that feeling is still with me - a lot of me doesn't want to quit at all.

but i have to. the using life really sucks. i need to summon up the courage to take the next step. but i'm afraid of failing, of losing the few people in my life that i have, of changing, of commitment to sobriety.

you all are such a tremendous group, and i'm so glad i found you. i really appreciate anything you want to tell me that you think will make me better. thanks for your insight and support.

can i do this? can i give up really the only life i've known? i don't know. and i'm frightened.

thanks and peace to you all