The Pay/Owe Syndrome
So, Im really working my recovery program lately. Im pressing through the shiest that I hate doing and getting it. I wanted to share something that I have read before but I see alot differently that in the past.
The Owe/Pay Syndrome from Friel and Friels's AC Guide to Whats Normal and also Friel and Friel Secrets of Dysfunctional Families.
Im paraphrasing.
The Owe/Pay Syndrome is when we let our intimate relationships become like a financial transaction at out local bank. Yet it is a extremely destructive trasnsaction.
It goes like this:
Ill paint your house, fix your plumbing, sew your jacket, cook you a meal, babysit your children, counsel you about a painful love affair, and then you will owe me something. I wont be clear about what that something is, but it will be soething like love, sex, friendship with you, and so on. I will unconsciously look for ways to help you. Like a heat seeking missle or a metal detector in an airport, am alarm will go off inside me every time I spot a chance to help you and Ill rarely miss the mark.
What happens with you is similar. You will be vulnerable and needy like me. There will be things you would just as soon have someone else do anyway. At first it will feel great to have the help. It will feel like all these shortages from childhood are being filled up at once. But that part about having to pay, will be a pain. In fact, it will get downright abusive. I might demand to have sex with you, threatening to leave you with a broken toilet or furnace, or no meals at all. In which case you give in and decide that occasional sex when you dont want it is better than having no one around at all. Then you do it to me too. You ask for too much help, then you do too many things for me. I start to feel as if yo uare trying to buy my love, friendship, loyalty, or long-term commitment. I begin to feel used and manipulated, but I also feel horribly guilty. You begin to feel used and manipulated, and horribly guilty.
Pretty soon we have areal mess on our hands.
YIKES! Ive been under the impression that the only reason I overextend and pay, so to speak is that I was conditioned to believe I was only loveable or valuable to others if I was earning the attention or doing something for another person. Ive just realized its not JUST that. This is how I get my needs met, I pay awaiting the IOU...which I rarely get, causing all the anger, guilt, and manipulation. This is how things went in my family of origin when I was growing up and still how my parents behave with each other. I will do x and then you will have to do y bc YOU OWE ME. This is how I behave with friends still. Not to the extreme I used to, but oh, I still do it, unconsciously. This is the exact outline of the dynamic bt my ex and I. Exact.
This is why I feel my parents owe me. I still feel they owe me things (monetarily mostly) and couldnt figure out why I felt that as an adult woman, my parents owed me. I thought it was bc of the pain I was caused as a child. But now, I think its bc Im just trying to get my needs met and how Ive learned to get them met.
Wow. What a breakthrough for me!!