Missy,
Welcome! I am scared of feeling the pain, too. I have spent my entire life not feeling the pain. I drank for a long time to not feel the pain. I used anger after that to not feel the pain. I am just worn out. I am super scared, too.
I don't have any advice to give you because I am just a "newbie"' at this, but I did want to say hi and let you know I feel just like you do, you are not alone.
Kathleen