The calm before the storm
Hi everyone, I'm Missy.
I joined about two weeks ago and never really introduced myself formally. I was waiting for the right time to start a new thread of my own.
So what I have accomplished so far are two ACOA meetings and meeting some good people, reading the literature, and walking around with my "just for today" bookmark. (hee hee makes me smile everytime I think about that thing)
So what I'm feeling today is 'the calm before the storm'. My whole life I learned to survive, be strong, and wait for the chance to get the heck away from my crazy family. But up to the point that I succeeded at 18 - off to college - I was an emotionless zombie. Everything that happened, I numbed myself to. I really surpressed my feeilngs. In fact, I rejected them. I refused to let myself actually feel them. I just got angry when something triggered the memories. But I didn't dare let myself feel the pain.
And now I know I have to feel them, and deal with them. Here comes the storm....
See, anger and pain are opposites for me, let me explain. Anger, although I don't deal with my anger pretty much at all, in my mind, it's what protects me. So my natural reaction to things I don't like or aren't to my standards, I flip out! It's my form of protecting and defending myself. But pain... that's when I'm vulnerable. And the second I get vulnerable..... whoosh, big angry hard steal wall pops up. So basically, when everything is great, I'm super happy missy! And when it's not, I'm super b****y Missy. Luckily, my life today makes me super happy missy, but I'm not whole yet. I need this healing. I need to come to terms with all the crap that happened to me.
I need to let ACOA and my HP help me.
But, in order to do that, I have to play by their rules (steps) and deal with this stuff.
I guess I have denial. I don't want to face all the traumas in my life. I spent my whole life running from that pain... and I have it just hanging on my shoulders now. And it's getting really really heavy. And I know I have to put it down.
I'm just afraid it's going to kill me. All the emotional abuse, physical abuse, hardships and diffculties, the ridiculous alcoholics' 'lessons about life' I have to unlearn, etc... I look back now and wonder how the heck I even survived it. How could I be so stone cold in the midst of it all... it's like I wasn't even human. And the alcoholics that did that to me.... they don't even care. They turned me away. I never in so many words ever reject them but they rejected me. They hurt me. They abused me. They never showed me sympathy, everything was my own fault, my own doing....
So how can I be strong now while I let these feelings resurface? I can't let anger be my protector anymore because anger will never let me deal with this pain.... I supposed I'm looking for a good approach... and a lot of support before this storm hits. Because once this pain comes through.... I'm going to get super lost and super scared... and I'm going to want to get super mad... but what else can I fall back on?
Thanks for listening....