Twanda lives

Dear Members,
I'm new to a online support group, and adult children support group, but done a lot of therapy and other support groups: Heres my problem; (forgive the co-dependant backslide here)!
My husband's family lives several states away and the 18 years we've been married, I have tried to keep some form of family tie with my husband's family because of our child and because I feel he will regret attempting some contact, inspite of being burned by them every time.

Last attempt was 3 years ago, we actually went and did Christmas with them and my husband's sibs, it was strained but it always is, but my husband did it for his mom, me, and our daughter.
This year one week before Xmas, I called my m-i-law and she told me that she has cancer for the 2nd time, and to make a long story short, my husband has yet to talk to her, and doesn't want too. Short version is that he says he does not feel anything towards them as being his family, and since they make no efforts hardly at all to contact us(only through b'day, Xmas,and thank you cards) what could I say?

Sadly, like all dysf. families they (especially his mom) has used him as the black sheep to project blame of his rebellious youth, as the reason his father, during my husband's childhood, was drunk and be abusive, especially since my husband's the oldest.

In 18 years of marriage, this woman has never said one good thing about her son to me, he's almost 50 now. Dad is still a full blown alcoholic and mom says "as long as he is not bothering anyone, leave him alone". Sadly the entire family continues to hold a grudge that "if my husband had been a better son his father wouldn't have been so abusive". Although his father was abusive to his mother also for many years and apparently from what little I've heard from my s-i-law, at times he must still be, because when he is drunk he is a jerk. (She has never given any details, nor has anyone else, its a private thing) My husband has told me plenty of stories!

My husband's family reads like John Bradshaw's "The Family", and everyone continues to "ignore" the alcoholism, and the enabler, and the other sibs play the "problem child" due to chronic illiness and the other "the total over achiever", all acting like the only problem is my husband's problem, (not being a good son the way they think he should).

Three days before Xmas, I get this call from the over-achiever who chewed me out for 40 minutes telling me what a terrible son and brother my husband is because he makes no effort to call and stay in contact, or call his mother.
I'm also told that my husband's mother said he didn't even talk to her when we visited 3 years ago at Christmas, and blah, blah, blah, all not true, (I know I saw for my own eyes) but still all I heard was critism about us.

My mother-in-law and sister-in-law have been a nightmare in my life, and treated me like dirt, anytime they've had something to say to my husband, they're chicken and tell me off instead. I've got several grudges against me because they "faithfully" send Christmas, birthday, and thank you notes, but they won't call even though they are encouraged too, and it's free to call us, yet even when I do contact them, or attempt any kind of relationship, I'm quickly put in my slug status, so I decided this past year, this is not my responsibility to do this, and why should I when I had my own issues to deal with, so I'm told off for forgetting her children's birthday's, not once her asking me why I forgot, (my own mother could have died).

This woman even sent me one of those stupid christmas letters of "updates" that she sends out to everyone she knows at Christmas, right after she sent me the sympathy card when my brother committed suicide 3 weeks earlier, (this was some years ago), but all everyone hears from her is everything in her life "is perfect, perfect, perfect! Here I was reeling from losing my only brother, that I loved so much, to suicide because he couldn't deal with his painful childhood memories, and I get a stupid letter from her telling everyone how "life is perfect, and her perfect husband did this and child accomplished this....!" I could not even believe it! No phone calls, to say, hey how are you holding up? Never!@
In the phone call this year, she went on to tell me that if we didn't care to call my husband's parents now while they are living, why bother even coming to their funeral when they died, (which my husband has already said he probably wouldn't even go to their funeral anyways since he doesn't even know them). I do call his parents but I act like they could care less if they talk to me, I've even had them say in the past, very rudely "I want to talk to my grandchild!", when all they had to say is, hey hows....can I talk to her?

When I got the call this year from the angry sib,
I could have gone off on her (which I've never done), I really felt bad for her because I knew she was hurt and upset about her mom, but after 40 minutes I decided my husband needed to talk to her and I carried the phone outside and handed it to him and told him "your sister's very hurt" talk to her, when he answered, she HUNG up! So he calls her back and she won't answer the phone, and its been 2 wks and she has not contacted us, even though I had encouraged her to tell him how she felt in a letter earlier in the conversation.
I'm really mad at my behavior that once again I let them be abusive to me, and got put in the scapegoat role with them, and I haven't contacted any of them since then. Whats the point when I know I will only get the more of the same and all the aner they feel towards my husband.

My husband has had little therapy concerning his parents, and yes all the 13characteristics apply to him. We are both from abusive backgrounds, but neither us drink, etc....(because we know we both suffer from addictive personalities), and even though I know this is his issue and he is responsible for his own emotional health, I'm finding very hard not to reply to this "snotty" sister, who has never had a day of therapy in her life and slap her with a few books, like "Adult Children of Alcoholics", JB's The family, and as she angrily said to me "lets just lay the card on the table" and say it for what it is, I'm sick of her "fake attitude", and her "logical answers", when she has never gotten past being the "perfect daughter", on her 3 rd marriage,

I feel like writing my husband's parents and tell them, that if they would remember that 5 year old little boy that ran down the basement every night to hide with his baby brother, because Dad came home drunk and raging, and excepted some of their responsibility concerning their son's hurt and rejection, and their continued critisms, inspite of his good efforts, maybe he would want a relationship with them, its hard not to take a defender's position when they continue to be abusive emotionally and make no efforts to reach out to us and especially realize his pain!

We could be killed in a car accident tomorrow and his family would never know because they never contact us. My husband spent years calling them when my step children where young and his parents never called any of them, even to this day. My step children finally quit calling them because they said, after years of calling the g.parents, they got tired of doing all the calling.

Even now,theres my daughter (their only grand daughter) and they have never tried to know her, she gets birthday and holiday cards with some $ and love...Grandpa/Grandma ..but they never call or write to her, their only contact by phone is when I have called them.

Am I wrong in wanting to do this, I really don't know how to handle it, but I'm tired of the crap that they keep blaming us for..
What would you do?
Guess I'm blowing the Al-non concept out the water! Its hard to forgive someone who continues to give you abuse and pain.
Thanks for listening!