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Someone once told me that knowledge comes with a price.....awareness. Once you become aware of something you are responsible for the knowledge it brings. At times that really doesn't mean anything. Other times it makes all the difference in the world.

I've posted a few times in the forum and was asked to introduce myself and post my story. So that's what i'll do here in brief format.

I've been in denial for many years....denial of my own codependence. I do not have a problem with alcohol or drugs, thankfully. I really like chocolate so if that's considered an addiction then i'm hooked!

My father was an alcoholic. He died 10 years ago at the age of 56. Consumption of at least a fifth of whiskey per day for over twenty years was the culprit. I am the youngest of 5 children. My father began drinking a couple of years before I was born so some of my older siblings do not have the same problems that I do. He did the Jekyl & Hyde thing. This was the only way I knew him. I've been told of better days but I was too young to experience it.

My chronological age is 36 but inside I have the emotions of a child. Before I became "aware" my reactions were raw and poorly thought out. I've always thought everything was about me...if someone had a bad day it was surely because I did something to ruin it, etc. I am a people pleaser, therefore fun to hang around with and free-spirited. But my spirit has felt anything but free.

After my father's death in 1997, I swore I would never marry or date an alcoholic. Fast forward to late 2004. That's exactly what I did. Thankfully I did not marry this man but I probably would have if we made it that far. Surely my Higher Power is taking care of me. Our relationship began shortly after our first date as we were sure we both had found our soul mates. It was intense and I was on top of the world. He made me feel like I could do anything I wanted. I felt secure with him and we had soooo much in common, including music.

To make a long story short, over the next two years we broke up and got back together a few times. The things that happened were so dramatic and unbelievably crazy. Everything from DWI's, Jekyl & Hyde, wrecking my new car, breathalyzer in his own car, gambling away thousands of dollars while drunk, not coming home at nite, etc. It took me 8 months to realize he was an alcoholic. I did everything you guys have talked about in this forum....rescuing, enabling, expecting, demanding, pouring liquor out, begging, manipulating, and everything codependent. My coping mechanisms were insane. I'm sure if I could have seen myself in action I would want to slap sense into myself.

I learned about Al-Anon and attended a meeting. That was the start of my journey. At the very first meeting I heard my story told out loud by someone else. I couldn't believe it. I went there to learn how to make him stop drinking! It was never even a consideration that I couldn't stop it. The notion that my behavior was ill was such a foriegn concept.

The relationship continued and so did the madness but with each meeting and books read I was becoming more aware (there's that magic word again) that it was ME who needed to change.....and that was the ONLY thing I had any control over. That's absolutely brilliant and so simple....how is it that I didn't think of that? I've beaten myself up a lot for not already knowing.

Romantically, the relationship ended but we tried the 'just friends' thing. That didn't work very well. He tried to quit, entered rehab and did not follow through, made excuses, projected his faults onto me, justified everything he did, lied, yelled, accused, was always suspicious for no reason and plain rude. But you all know that there is another side to the alcoholics in our lives....this beautiful person who we fell in love with in the first place. That person who makes an appearance only when they really need to. That person who is truly in there somewhere but is sick. I had to learn to accept him just like he was.....a sick person.....a good sick person who would take me down with him.

Acceptance. That's something new as well. I'm learning to accept myself which is something I haven't done very well. Al-anon reminds me that its okay to be flawed or wrong....that means you can begin to fix the problem. Those in denial cannot do that.....so already i'm making a difference.

We are not talking and i've un-meshed myself from his life. I am no good for him. I will not allow him to hit the bottom he must hit. With as much progress as i've made, sometimes enabling behavior slips through disguised as good intent. I take a hard look at my actions towards others and examine my motives. That's been the biggest life saver yet.

He is still drinking and i'm afraid his destructive behavior will do him in if nothing changes. It hurts like hell....i've been hurt like hell, i've hurt myself like hell, i've hurt him. Ugly circle. But the beautiful thing is that I can change....and i've made many changes. When I have him in my life, things seem to go downhill. My personality changed while I was with him. Family members and friends noticed it.

I suggested to my exabf to learn everything he can about codependency b/c that's who he attracts and that's who he is attracted to. I'm doing the same about alcoholism and emotionally unavailable people.

Now it IS all about ME....what I can do to fix myself. I am fashioning myself into the kind of person I want to attract. I'm trusting myself to know what I know and to stop doubting myself and my abilities. I'm concentrating on the thing I love....music. I'm a better mother (i've got one son), friend, sister and perhaps one day significant other. I'm lonely and afraid at times. I crawl into my little hole and chill sometimes which is unusual for me as i'm a very outgoing person. But if I can be alone with myself then I can be with anyone, right?

When I need to be grounded for whatever reason I come here and read. At times it only takes the wisdom of one person here to reset my thinking and make everything better. I thank you all for what you give me here. You have no idea how priceless you all are.

Awareness has made the path that I must walk much better lit than it was before. Walking in the dark sucks.