Hi Mlynn,
I can really identify with some of some of the things you wrote.
I have these paralizing fears
The overwhelming feeling of emotional and physical paralyzation is one Ive had alot of. Petrified to make any decision at all (no matter how minor) for fear that it will be the wrong one was a pretty common occurence with me.
but I feel like I have led shoes on
Yep. I know that feeling.
ask & guilt & call me a selfish bitch when I don't put her needs above my own.
I still experience this with my mother, although since having a relationship with her that is on my terms only, that is much more limited. I remember how difficult it was to live with her bc it wasnt on my terms.
Whats helped me has been meetings, therapy, lots of personal reflection and making lists. I make lists of what I want to accomplish for each day. Long term goals are still hard for me, so I focus on one day at a time.
When the old feelings of self doubt and sabotage creep in, I focus on the small things I can do. For example, this morning I was starting to have a crying fit over the fact that I couldnt move my bed and nobody was here to help me and Im all alone, Im not good at anything and blah blah blah. I stopped, sat down, took some deep breaths and made a list of all the things I was proud of myself for.
A little while later, I said forget it with the bed and moved on to something else.
I guess for me, some things just arent big enough deals for me to feel like a failure over. I think as an Adult Child, I was conditioned to feel like a failure if I wasnt perfect at everything and anything less than pure SuperWomanism was not enugh for me to feel valuable and good enough.
Im learning that I make mistakes and its ok. One little thing at a time works for me, and meetings
