Hello Mlynn, I'm glad you posted.
As far as self-sabotage, yeah I used to do that all the time, and not just at work. I was a little "sicker" than you cuz I would just leave a job cuz I _knew_ I would mess it up. So I'd just leave _before_ they had a chance to fire me. Did that with school, with the apartments I lived at, with relationships, with everything.
I also had to move back in with my parents a few times. And yes, it sucked big time.
Panic attacks? You betcha. Especially when i was living with my parents.
What helped me the most was getting involved in ACoA. I went to lots of meetings and spent a lot of time on the phone with people I met there. Meeting real people in real life that had overcome the same "stuff" I was dealing with was a huge help. They showed my how they took _action_ in their lives to get themselves out of that "emotional pit" I was in. Using their examples, and being able to "vent" at meetings I was slowly able to learn how to quit sabotaging myself, how to begin to accept myself, how to stop hating myself, and little by little I got my life straightened out.
It didn't take me long either. Just after a few meetings I felt way better. Walking in the door of the first one was the hardest, but after that it got easier and easier. Now I have a great life free from all those horrible emotions and self-destructive behavior.
Have you been to any real life meetings yet? I found that a lot of al-anon meetings were really dealing with ACoA issues as well as relationship issues, so those worked great for me. I don't know what part of Ohio you are in, but if you grab your phone book and call the local office of al-anon they can direct you to a meeting that is convenient for you.
Check out a few meetings and let us know what you think of them.
Mike
