Mlynn

Does anyone else have trouble with work being an ACoA? Any one else sabataged themselves more then once at more then one place of employment...ending in an unfavorable result....or even work related anxiety, anxiety attacks, or panic attacks? I have failed at most of the jobs that I have held & I don't know why. Well I do but I don't know how to fix it. I get attached to my jobs & workplaces, get comfterable, things are going good, and then for no reason I do something idiotic that causes me to either get myself fired or isiolate myself into leaving on my own. The thing is that I am smart & I can take direction well. I am a superb employee for the first few months & easily get promoted....but once things start really going well I ruine it. I am 21 years old.....and feel totally and completley frozen in time...like I will never be able to move forward. Last October I got let go from a job because of a situation that I "didn't handle well" with a customer who was minorly injured (due to no fault of my personal own). I moved back into my parents some months before before that....because my mother was emotionally fragile & had alot going on....my father is emotionally abusive & I feared she would hurt herself if I didn't come back to be her emotional support. After I moved back home I went through a sevral month stretch of severe depression. I had to give up a job that I LOVED & was surprised to be doing really well at, friends(isiolated myself form them when I needed to come back home because I was so embaresed of my situation), and a INDAPENDANT HEALTHY life. I was so miserable that that misery turned into anger, depression, resentment, and hatred. I HATED that I had been trapped back in this situation. I hated living with all the anger & always walking on egg shells. After having experiencing a taste of freedom....living in that house agian was a whole new thing that was more miserable then I could have ever imagined. All I could think about is what was & what could have been but I couldn't leave...I was/well am trapped here. Well I am still in this house & it is eating away at me. I just can't take it anymore & I need to get out....but I feel like I have led shoes on. I have failed SOO much already that I fear I can't make it on my own. I fear I will ruine it agian & end up back here. I need to consider where I live carefully & make sure I am healthy enough to sustain myself before I consider moving out. If I move out this time...I don't think there will be any coming back. The relationship is rocky at best & if I move it will be seen as a betrayal of the family and I will most likley be detested by my extended family as well....for leaving my mother all alone. What about HER they will ask & guilt & call me a selfish bitch when I don't put her needs above my own.

I havn't had a job or tried to get a job snece october 2005....it's been a year in October of this year. I have anxiety attacks - maybe even panic attacks(I have herd that you feel like you are dying & while I don't know if I feel like I am dying I know I feel something I'm just not sure if it's so on the verge of death severe that it could be called a full blown panic attack but I don't know the diffrence between the two I guess) when I think about moving forward. I have these paralizing fears of failure, being homeless exc. I feel like I have gotten beaten down so many times & each time it is so much harder to get up & now I feel paralized like if I get up at all I will automatically fail & makes things worse then they already are. Of course my father is a narsicstic/alcoholic personaliy.....so he taunts me with the fact that I don't have a job to show that he is superior to me, knowns more, is more productive exc. Him picking at an open wound doesn't help much either.