I know its not a fear of being healthy...although it feels that way. I WANT to be healthy(what ever that means). I know I am MUCH healthier now....just by acknowledgeing that I have issues....just by reading self help books....and reaching out through these websites. I can see that I am so much more healthy then I was 1 or 2 years ago when I was severly depressed, hurt myself, and didn't know WHY??. Now I know why....and it has released a HUGE burdon off my back. I now know why I am sad...and have been able to work through some of that sadness....so it doesn't turn into horrible (I don't want to wake up in the morning & can't function) depression. I don't think that I will ever go back to that dark place because now I know why I behave the way I do....and I can emotionally detach in some small ways from my family's actions so it doesn't trigger negative feelings in myself....but that only goes so far you know.
I just wish there was something more that I could do to encourage my own heeling.
I think the idea of other "real" people being in that room and being able to "physically" see me in my raw and vonerable state with out a computer to be a barrier is what is really really scarey . I think the idea of showing other real people that I am somehow "vonerable" in person is what is really scary. There are other "real" people there & then my "problems" become so much more real too. I have to admit that I need someone esle's help, and understanding, to heal and thats really scary to be that vonerable and be able to open up like that to someone else....becaus then there is a possiblility of rejection that that those people won't understand me and cause me some kind of pain & hardship. I know that is really unrealistic sence people in groups are all going through all the same things so they will understand. But its scary non the less.