Cynay

I’m going to try to express my most amazing Christmas gift and the people that brought it too me. I’m not blessed with the gift to express in written form, but I’m going to try.

Please stop here if you are offended by my deep faith in God, he is my higher power. I am more spiritual then religious but do fine peace in my church service and claim to be Christian… Much of what I feel and think is based in this so I’m giving you fair warning, not to mention this is really long.

As I sit hear with tears running down my cheek and actually having to stop at times to compose myself I’m truly amazed at how humble I feel and how blessed I truly am … and you know what, it comes from places I would never have looked… that is what I want to share with you, just the beauty of how God and recovery have worked in my life.

I started today with tears, I brought up the covers upon waking and cried because this is not how my Christmas or my life was suppose to turn out… I woke up alone, nobody to share my thought, love, pain anything with. I woke up feeling very alone. My Brother and my Father died during this time of year and the Christmas Season has not been an easy time for me in the best of circumstance, let alone the circumstances of this year and the lose of so many hopes and dreams. After having a pity party and getting the crying out of my system I got on my knees and prayed, not for anything really, just to pray and ask for help, strength and peace. Tonight I sit here crying my eyes out but for much different reasons… and I’m sooooo thankful.

As some of you know I have had a very emotional year. It has been filled with extreme blessing as well as extreme pain. Strange how God mixes the two, I guess he knows I would not be able to survive the lows without the highs…. I’m very thankful for the highs.

Today started out with texts from a new friend, light, sweet and just normal. I’m grateful for normal considering the chaos the last year has brought. I felt better having human contact but had a very deep hurt/pain inside. My daughter and I have been separate since September and though we are getting better I miss my baby girl, best friend and the most incredible person I know…. Somehow the holiday is not the same when every one you hold dear is away from you…. I’m not sure anyone but a parent can know this pain.

So I logged on to SR, checked on some posts and started to feel more normal, working with everyone here always helps me come to a center… that is when I read that Minx became engaged and I felt sooo happy for her, I call and we had a wonderful talk, after I felt much more centered and remembered through her good things do happen….

I had plans to go to a very good friend’s house, the Mother of my new God-daughter, her husband is an Alcoholic and I struggle most times being around him. His Parents are in town from England and I adore them, so seeing my Good Friend, God-daughter and good friends from over seas makes it worth it. So I dress as becomingly as I can and set out to there house. When I arrive I received hugs from all, even the Alcoholic who tells me how thankful his is that I’m in his family’s life and that I’m the God-Mother of his only daughter… amazing huh… what an amazing gift to be appreciated and loved… Then an old friend of mine showed up, he and I have been friends for over 3 year… not romantic, but just the kinda friend you call when you need a date for a company function and have no one to call. Anyway we all enjoyed sitting and talking and I was holding my God-daughter (who is 3 months) when the most beautiful thing happened…

My Daughter called asking if I would attend Christmas Eve Service at our church together. Needless to say I was brought to my knees, thankful that she wanted to spend that closeness with me….

I spent dinner with my friends in laughter and love, when it came time for me to leave my friend walked me to my car. Honestly I don’t know how, we have barely talked in the last year, but he reached out to give me a hug… not the normal hug but the hug a man and women enjoy…. I was surprised but comforted. He told me then how special he thought I was and that he does not know anyone that handles life and all its problems with such grace and dignitary. It was like he looked in my eyes and just knew, and held me in just the right way that I felt that center with another human being. Silly I know, this is my friend and nothing more…. But deep inside I honestly feel that God was giving me what I needed at the most important time… when I’m hurting.

I don’t know how many of you put up this wall around you that seems to keep you together, that helps you face the pain and the world that just does not make sense at the best of times. But I am one of them. My recovery and therapy is helping a lot but I still struggle.…. Most of the time my emotions are held so tightly weaved … if a thread becomes too loose my whole emotional balance will unravel.

SO….. I get to Church and mind you I have not attended for about 6 months, I walk in and its is as if I never left…. So many people that I knew before came to hug me… not to judge or ask me where I have been, but to just tell me how happy they were to see me. My daughter walked in and I honestly had to catch my breath because she has this ora about her … she is honestly the most beautiful person I know…. We hugged and stood holding hands while so many people that knew us came up and hugged us… welcoming us home. It took everything I had not to break down and bawl. We enjoyed the service, which anyone that attends knows is very moving on Christmas Eve. I sat there thinking … how blessed I am, to be with people that care about me with the most amazing person I know sitting next to me…. Trust me it was not easy to keep it together and not bust out in tears… but this time for much different reason….. Because I’m blessed and thankful. During Service I received such a beautiful text from another friend of mine… I’m humbled.

Tomorrow I get to share the morning with my daughter, I have a gift for her that I know she will be touched, and probably the best gift I could give, Something that she really wanted during our trip to Italy but could not afford... Well call me a push over, but then again I suppose I am for those I love. I will take her to the airport …. She is going to visit her Father. Then I will go to an AA/ Al-anon get together and share time with a new and dear friend and other friends I have made there….

Today I’m humbled. What started out in Tears … feeling alone and crushed …. Ended up with God showing me how blessed I really am. Maybe this is not how I thought my life should be, maybe things are off right now… but when I can feel the holy spirit move in me like it did today….. Well there is nothing left to do but cry tears of gratitude and thankfulness.

Merry Christmas to you all….. as hard as life is….. I hope yours is as blessed as mine.