This is what we know:
"Been married for 20 years. My husband was a alcoholic when i met him but I knew " I could change all that" (hahahaha). Ten years ago I stared divorce proceedings to get out of a very sick marriage. Well, he got sober. We stayed married and we were actually pretty happy. Two years ago, WHAM, he started drinking again. Well, now its so bad I cant even believe where I am anymore. He has just come off a 6 day binge, didnt come home, is hanging out in strip clubs and has a "best friend" that makes Hitler seem like a nice guy. To make things worse, my beautiful Daughter is recovering from cancer. He could not care less about her condition, her wellfare, her future, or her life. I do not know how to live under the same roof with this man and not scream, yell, rant and rave. I am consumed with anger and rage. But..... I cant control my temper. I try and It goes well for about 10-15 mins. and then i blow. This is killing me, and destroying my Daughter. Now she confronts him and I'm so afraid he will lose it and hurt her when hes been drinking. I am racked with guilt because I feel the love I have for him, is an insult to my Daughter, who, is also my best friend."
I find it interesting that folks can clearly see that having an alcoholic parent causes damage to another person's child, but we don't seem to be able to recognize that, as codies, our tendency to accept terrible behavior on the part of our alcoholic partners can cause similar damage to our own children.
It made me question why we don't scoop our own children up and put them in a safe place.
To further illustrate my point, in reference to his former wife, GuyinNY asks, "how can a bottle come between you and your kids?" For we codies who know we're in an unhealthy relationship with an active alcoholic yet continue to hang on and suffer the consequences, as do our children--and I was guilty of that myself--why can we not see that we're allowing a bottle to also come between us and our children? We don't have to be drinking out of that bottle to cause our children harm. We just have to be accepting it as a way of life. Engaging in shouting matches with our alcoholic loved ones doesn't solve anything. Neither does inaction on our part. Both of these things cause further harm to our children.
The lightbulb moment for me came when my daughter told me that I was causing her as much harm as the alcoholic in my life was with my constant anger and hostility directed at my XAB, my indecisiveness and inability to move forward in my life, and my acceptance of unacceptable behavior.
We each have to find our own solutions, as each of our situations is unique. Mine was to remove the alcoholic from my household. But others find a way to live in harmony with their alcoholic partners. I think SisterRay says it best:
"Our kids need a normal household. We need to provide that." And once our children are in a safe, healthy environment, then I think it's a fine idea to reach out to other children who are suffering from the effects of alcoholism and help them as best we can.
I think we all need to remember that when our homes become a battleground between ourselves and our alcoholic loved ones, we're harming our children. Venting may help us feel better temporarily, but it doesn't solve our problem. Action does.
Sorry if I offended you, FM, that wasn't my intention.