Wow, I just joined this forum and this is my first post. I only recently realized that my father was a narcisssist. Nothing was ever his fault. If you tried to address something with him, it was either physically unsafe, or he would twist things around and make you sure that you had done something wrong. That makes you feel crazy.
It has only been recently, as I am going through a painful separation, that my relationship pattern is based on that. I married a woman with whom I was never able to talk about any concerns that I had, big or small. She would end up very angry that I was criticizing her, that I never said anything good. Not that I was perfect either, but in the process of dis-entagling myself from this very enmeshed relationship, I was very surprised to realize that I had married someone very like my father. I really thought I had dealt with him, let it go, years ago. Apparently, I have still been trying to get that validation, that I can make someone understand me, love me in a healthy way, despite all evidence to the contrary.
I am finding coda books helpful, and also some books and articles on attachment disorders. If anyone is interested I can look one or two of the titles up.
Letting go is hard, and a process with many levels as you learn new ways in which you have to let go, at least that is how it is for me. I do know that with these people, you can only resolve it within yourself. There will never ever be some wonderful moment where they finally hear you, and take ownership for something.
Anyway, glad I found this site. Need something like this right now.