Thank you all so much for listening and offering your kind words, advice.
NewBlu.... Thanks so much for your strength and encouragement. One thing you said rings in my ears and that is something that so many say to me: "I know you love him" But, really, in my hearts of hearts I knbow that I have lost my love for him. His words to me, name calling, telling me I can rot in hell with my mother, calling me when I was 8 months pregnant at 10 pm on the night after Thanksgiving (last year) to tell me he was committing suicide and then the next morning acting as if nothing happened and refusing to apologize (endangering my pregnancy as I was hysterical), no regard to my needs, no regard to the effects his drinking has on me, memories of his abuse... etc etc All of these things make me hate him, not love him. I know no one believes me, but truly I do not feel like I love my father. Am I evil? Does anyone agree with me? I think the only reason I feel bad when I ignore his calls is guilt - not because I love him. Is this making sense????
Dollydo.... thanks so much for your relating your story. Continued strenth to you!
Ok, so here is my question: Do I continue to ignore his calls and let the voicemail get them? Or do I call him back and remind him of my boundaries. I ask because I feel like if I don't call he will get my kids gifts and I really dont want to have to be in the position of returning things or explaining to my kids why gifts were on the porch and why they can't have them. You know?
If I do call I know he will get angry at my words and might leave me alone for the holidays. Weak on my part? I just dont know anymore....
Thanks again!