When I was with my ex-AH he was a very mouthy obnoxious drunk and would love to stir up drama and arguments. I cannot count how many times he would take his wedding ring off and fling it across the room at me, go pout in the bedroom, refuse to eat, refuse to speak to me (a blessing in disguise but he didn't get that!) and basically act like a 2 year old. In the beginning, like any good codie I would try like heck to "fix" things, apologize whether it was warranted or not, make excuses for his behavior, rationalize my own behavior etc. It got really old really fast. In the end when he got like that I basically ignored him. I refused to engage in the dance. Oh that would make him mad and that gave me a little thrill. As long as he didn't turn the verbal abuse on my kids I got to where I could pretty much ignore him or just say "whatever".
In my own drinking, I was not confrontational and did not go looking for fights. I tried to isolate and obliterate existence. Even in sobriety I hate confrontation and will go out of my way to avoid it. Most confrontations were my mom's attempts to make me see the insanity of my addiction and the consequences of my actions/inactions. There wasn't a whole lot to be said in those other than "you're right" (because she was!).
I have a 20 year old son who is bi-polar and used to rage on a regular basis. With him confrontations were a regular occurance and I didn't necessarily act like an adult in these instances. He blamed me for anything and everything wrong in his life and of course I took offense to that and would jump into the game and the screaming matches were truly awful.
After getting sober he really used the whole "blame thing" and I fell for it hook line and sinker. I wanted to make up for the 3 1/2 years of drinking and readily took on blame for everything. He used that to his advantage and it created resentment in me.
Finally I learned how to detach, allow him to own his feelings, and the consequences of his actions without further inflaming him. I use the "you're probably right" sometimes. At times I state that I will not discuss the subject until he is calmer (he HATES this!). At times I say nothing. At times I say I'm sorry you feel that way. And I have just got up and left before. It just depends on the situation and what shape I am in that day.
Hugs,
Kellye