I have a few thoughts on this I'd like to share. For those who struggle with the God concept I have heard many in the rooms share that especially in the beginning their god was the group (GOD - group of drunks). Surely these people who had found a way out of the bottle under seemingly hopeless conditions were a higher power than one alcoholic. This seemed to work for quite a few.
I think although I had a concept of God coming into the rooms that I still used the group as a higher power in the beginning. It was from going to meetings and listening to these people's stories and seeing how their lives had changed that I began to believe that MAYBE, just MAYBE, this could work for me too. Maybe I COULD get free of this demon alcohol if they could do it. It was the first seed of hope that was planted in this alcoholic's heart.
As I said I already had a God in my life so I didn't struggle with that, however, where I struggled was I felt that although I believed he was more than capable of restoring me to sanity, I wasn't as sure that he WOULD. I felt like a worthless piece of crap and why would he want to waste time on me? I was always an all or nothing type of person. If I was going to church then I tried to be a saint. I am sure you can figure out that this didn't work. When I messed up I would then beat the hell out of myself and tell myself how worthless I was and why bother trying. Then I would quit going to church and say to heck with it. I felt like I was the ultimate sinner sitting in a room full of saints and that I was never going to get "it" that I was too bad. I now see the insanity of this line of thinking but I didn't at the time.
I had to reformulate my whole concept of God into one who wasn't a punishing God waiting to strike me down with a lightning bolt everytime I messed up and ready to just send me to hell. Through the program and hearing others share my concept today is that of a father figure. One who loves me no matter what, wants what is best for me but also loves me enough to allow me to reap the consequences of my actions when I try to take back control. This won't work for everyone but it has worked for me and that is what matters. I had serious abandonment issues with my own dad so this has been healing on several planes for me.
Finally, the whole insanity things was offensive to me in the beginning. Yeah, I had an addiction to alcohol. Yeah, I went to GREAT lengths to drink and avoid suffering the consequences that went along with it. Yeah, I pushed family and friends to the side, did unspeakable things in the context of relationships, drove drunk and went to work drunk. But I wasn't INSANE!!!!
Then I heard the AA definition of insanity which is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Now THAT I could understand and see in myself and using that definition I could see that my thinking and behavior had been insane. I also now had a goal to work towards. Doing things differently. I can still go into "insane mode" when I get caught up in self-will trying to dominate and control situations that are not mine to control or into warped ways of thinking. When I do this, I get the same old results. Fortunately I then have step 3 where I can turn everything back over to my HP and stop the insanity.
I hope this made sense!
Hugs,
Kellye