Trying something new
I am on my second day of my umteenth attempt at sobriety. I have been in inpatient twice and have failed to complete outpatient three times in two years. I've tried doing the AA thing alone, but I always seem to sabotage my efforts at sobriety. It's almost as though I don't trust myself to succeed so I try to mess it up for myself so I don't have to go through the pain of failure --except, when I relapse, I always feel like a failure. The longest I have gone without drinking in five years is just shy of four months. When I really try, the periods of sobriety seem to get longer and longer -- it seems as though I have so many issues with lack of self confidence, self sabotage, feelings of unworthiness and just a general distrust in myself.
I am seeing a therapist and he tells me that I need to work on issues in my past and my life that have caused me to have all of these feelings. He says we can't do that until I get sober. It's kind of like a chicken vs. egg argument. Am I a drunk because I'm messed up or am I messed up because I'm a drunk? How can I stay sober if I feel this way about myself?
Anyway, I am on day two and I just felt like trying new things to keep me on track. I am still so unsure about what it's going to take for me to stay sober. I am starting to feel the physical effects of withdrawal, like shakiness, headaches, anxiety, impatience and CRAVINGS. I am trying so hard to figure out a way to do this - so I have started journaling. I've also bought a jigsaw puzzle, which kept me busy for about two hours this evening. It's ten o'clock at night and I'm about to go to bed. Tomorrow will be day three. Wish me luck! I'm on the edge of losing everything.