Hello J&M,
Pshew. I read this. I went away and came back. I read it again. I went away and came back. 3rd time's a charm, I hope.
You know realistically, of course, that there are no guarantees. That it doesn't matter if you come across a recovering alcoholic who has 5 clean years, a responsible job and a medal from the governors of 37 states... even some of those kind relapse. And there are some whose recovery looks shakey that manage to hang on. You just can't know for sure. The only recovery you can truly judge is your own.
There is nothing wrong with being one of those people who simply cannot be serene living with a using alcoholic. Part of recovering from codependency is understanding what makes YOU tick, what your limits are and honoring those limits. People who can hang in there with a user are not necessarily working a better alanon program. They aren't "more recovered". They may have different boundaries than you do... or they may not be true to themselves. But you may be certain that IF they are living with a using alcoholic and are maintaining a fairly normal level of serenity and sanity, then they have found a way that those things do not depend on someone else's sobriety.
I know that in your logical mind, you know you can't have guarantees. But I sense that your heart is looking and yearning for them. And if that is true, then I wonder if that is because your serenity and security in this relationship would largely depend on this man remaining sober. Once again... I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But if that's true.... ask yourself if you are one who can remain secure in yourself if he slips up... or if you would be in instant turmoil. And also ask if you want to live life looking over your shoulder... or worse... over his shoulder. That wouldn't be a happy situation for either of you.
All the checklists in the world won't tell you if he's a "for always" or a "for the time being". Analyzing him and his chances won't do you a lot of good. Just try to be as honest as you can about yourself... who you are... what you want... what compromises are okay with you... and what you need to feel satisfied in a relationship.
Hugs,
Smoke