Steady, let me share a bit of my story with you. I will put on my AA hat now, lol. When I first got sober, I did not know if I was coming or going. Yes I got a job within 3 weeks of getting sober and yes I brought home a pay check to keep a roof over my head, however........................................... .......
I was just putting one foot in front of the other, I was still in a fog, I went to meetings and the meetings after the meetings and was on the phone constantly with other AA members and soon my sponsor. WHY? Because I was so damn scared....................................AA was really the only place I felt safe, they understood, they had been in my hell.
This went on until I was about 6 months sober, when I could actually start comprehending what I was reading and the fog was starting to lift. I can tell you that it feels like your head is MUSH. No thought stays for more than a minute or two. IT IS HORRIBLE.
I would suspect that at this point your wife is still incapable of having the type of communication you want to have. I don't know how many years she drank, but you will see no miracles in 90 days.
Please go slow. Work on your Alanon program and give her time. The magic happens, but slowly, very slowly.
Yes I understand the Alanon side also, at 3 years sober my sponsor strongly suggested that it was time for me to also go to alanon. I reluntantly followed her suggestion and am ever so grateful today that I did. I am a double winner.
For a person to stop drinking and eventually become sober is a long process. There is so much crap, and their own 'lack of self worth' and the guilt, and the humilitation, and on and on and on, that it takes lots of time, and a newly recovering alkie does find strength with the AA people and AA fellowship. It is a time of trudging through quicksand, sometimes with alligators up to your butt, and a mind that just doesn't want to function. There are emotions and fears to deal with that have been numbed by alcohol for years.
And Lizzy's suggestion to attend an 'open' AA meeting weekly whether with your wife or not, will be an eye opener as you listen.
Just some thoughts that might help you.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,