Hi jeri,
I don't think there is a simple answer that would always apply to the question, but its a good thing to ask ourselves.
Maybe sometimes we are seeking attention. Maybe other times we are seeking help because we are in emotional pain. And, maybe sometimes we are putting another down and being mean.
I know I am capable of ALL the above. I try to remain sensitive, to be honest, and most of all, I am working on not overdoing my self important emotional reality to the point of hurting myself or others.
I know that change is hard. I find changing codie relationships tougher than quitting drinking. Much more so.