Its just the nature of the disease...that s what untreated addiction feels like. I could relate to your story and even more to all your feelings about yourself and addiction. Being a addict /alcoholic is hard work. I know all my friends tell me to KEEP IT SIMPLE..because I think and analyze myself to death.
You are not cold hearted or any of those other things you said about how terrible you are..let that go...go to a meeting and I bet you will find some answers you are looking for. i know it has helped me alot. What you have been through IS alot and your story matters...I really dug the way you expressed yourself. I think you would be a GREAT candidate for recovery!! SO jump on aboard....I once heard say..Get Busy Living //Or Get Busy Dying. Cause that is where I am at when I use or drink. Believe me. I did have to go to prison,,,well thank god it is not a requirement for recovery so YOU DON"T HAVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!
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love north