4Me

Ok, this is probably what my first post should have been.

I am very glad that I have found this forum. It is helping me to realize that I truly am not alone.

I am 46 years old and have been married for 21 years to an alcoholic. We have a 13 year old daughter. She is the most important person in my world. When she was born I vowed not to repeat the cycle with her. We comfort each other when her Mom starts in on us.

I started seeing a counselor last Friday and was surprised how much I remembered in the first session, though it did run for two hours instead of just one. I don’t know if I had actually blocked the memories or was just trying to ignore them. I was holding myself responsible for things I had no control over.

I am the child of an alcoholic and was molested by an older brother when I was 8. He also molested my little sister and forced me to do the same. I was plagued by unspeakable perversions throughout the years that followed. As a result, I have battled my own addictions including alcohol, drugs, and sexual perversions. I have had to face some cold realities of the choices that I have made.

I recall, when I was 13, lying in bed at night crying. I was trying to choose a military academy to go to from the ads in the back of “Boy’s Life” magazine. I was convinced that I’d be better off anywhere but where I was. My dad had no words of love or praise. In fact we were told just how worthless we were on a regular basis. Belt lashings happened when he thought we deserved it. I considered suicide as a way out but never had the where with all to try it. I was using what alcohol I could get my hands on to escape.

The same brother that started my sexual perversions introduced me to drugs when I was 15. Marijuana has been my drug of choice ever since. Shortly afterwards I “ran away” from home, if you could call it that. I went to live with my oldest sister, but only after getting my dad’s permission. How’s that for seeking approval? I moved back a few months later with my dad’s offer to buy me a car.

I joined the Army when I was 17 after watching the relationship with my dad go from bad to worse. Running away was becoming a habit. Again, I had to have my dad’s permission and he would only let me join the reserves. That helped to mess up the 8 years I finally spent in the service, as I never got credit for time served in the reserve when it came time for promotions. I finally made Sergeant after 6 years. The beer and pot were taking their toll on my sense of well being. I thought that I was losing control of life and again considered suicide. I am thankful that I instead sought help and spent the next 6 months under voluntary incarceration for drug and alcohol rehab.

I have always had trouble with intimate relationships. And most of them were with abusive alcoholics that kept me in the place my dad had put me in. I met my wife when I got out of the Army and moved back home. It has been a roller coaster ride. I have yet to find the emotional support that I feel I need.

I have been out of work now for a year and a half. My wife has had several bouts with cancer over the years and is currently diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. Her doctor has given her 6 months to a year to live. I feel guilty that I am actually looking forward to her passing. I have an extreme lack of motivation. I drink very rarely. I enjoy a rum and eggnog when I am trimming the tree at Christmas. I rarely have a second one. I enjoy smoking pot when it is around, though I know no one where I live that deals. Occasionally my brother sends me some. I don’t miss it when I don’t have it, but over indulge when I do.

I hope to forgive myself for those things that I have done, though I have found no easy way to do that yet. I am hoping this counselor will be able to help me there. I am still struggling with loving “all” of me. I want to give my daughter the healthy dad she will need when her mom passes away.