It's nice to see you ammending your post MNGG. I used to be really sensative when I first came here and used other people's responses as a reason to drink. I wanted to think that everyone out there hated me and that no one cared. I didn't feel like anyone cared in my real life either so I kept drinking to hurt myself trying desperately to get someone to pay attention.
Kitten, it sounds like you're in a similar pattern. You are hurting inside so you hurt yourself even more to get back at others or to draw attention. It makes me sad sometimes to think that this is what I was doing, but for the most part it's true. Sure there were some times when I really thought I was having fun partying, but my secret drunks were no party.
I agree with MNGG that you DID make a choice. You chose to pick up a drink. You can make a different choice next time. You can choose to pick up the phone and call someone (AA should be listed in your phone book or you can call a trusted friend/teacher/minister/councelor...) or you can choose to come here and post. Tell us what's going through your mind BEFORE you drink.
Believe me, there are folks out there who care about your well being.