kitten--look deep within yourself. what are you trying to do? are you hoping for rescue? trying to escape from something? you sound really troubled and are turning your emotions against yourself instead of what is really bothering you.
i'm just speculating and am not a doctor. but i was similar to you when i was your age. not a place of happiness. what are you looking for? who or what are you angry at?
don't hurt yourself. take good care. talk to your therapist. get a sponsor. and do some things to make yourself proud of you. you are worth it.