Oh, I understand. I continued the cycle of drinking for a long time because I tried to make the pain go away and I couldn't face the mess I'd made of my life. But, you know what, in the end you have to deal with it and it can be done. Forgiving yourself is hard and it takes awhile. I think forgiveness for yourself comes in waves and it doesn't happen all at once.
You can stop drinking and live a good life. There's lots of support here.