Hi recoveryforme,
I have been where you are now and I know you feel just terrible.
Someone, I don't remember who, posted on this board before that you never have to feel this bad again...It really touched me and I hope it touches you.
When it all comes down to it, we are our own worst enemy but have to learn how to fight the GOOD fight. Blessings to you and I hope you get on the right path and feel better soon. There is lots of help and information here to help you on your way when you are ready.