Hi PapaG,
Sorry I came in late to this discussion, but i wanted to say hi and that I can relate to where you are rigght now. i'm sorry you are struggling internally about whether or not you can safely, happily, drink alcohol, hoping that you can, and that things may somehow turn out differently for you this time....
It helped keep me sober today reading your honesty, because it was for me, the most draining mental cycle. my brain actually hurt from all the thinking I did about "to drink-or not to drink".
There, of course, were the other thoughts: AA or not AA...and on and on, until finally I surrendered 100% and came to understand that alcohol is a poison for me. I do not want poison. Not a little, not organic, not just red wine poison, none.zero.
How much more free I am today because of the daily choice to not drink alcohol.
I feel we were given a brain and free will so we may choose well:choose not the momentary pleasures but those things of lasting benefit to self and others. Some people will say that alcoholics lose their free will once they drink alcohol, and for me, this is true.
The good news is that you are in good company here and around the world. There are many who share the path of recovery. We are here to remind you that you do not need to drink again, and that it is worth trying...so that ou will feel unencumbered by the decision making cycle.
I wish you well!
I