Wow... I TELL myself that I am doing well; I MUST be "detaching"... But trying to come up with specifics is hard.
OK.
The last time my husband went on a "bender", he was MIA for 4 days - the longest he's ever dissapeared. I remained relitively calm the first couple of nights; I read A LOT from Melody Beattie, and my Alanon stuff, I called my sponser. During the days I would take walks with my kids, rent MY kind of movies, eat out - I was determined NOT to let his behavior ruin my weekend.
By the 3rd day, I was worried, and "panic-mode" was knocking at my door. I WANTED to go looking for him, but I didn't. I took deep breathes, and prayed away the fear. I did call him once on his cell phone, but no answer. I left it at that. When Monday morning rolled around and he didn't show up for work, I didn't answer the phone - I screened my calls, cuz I refused to lie and make up stories for why he wasn't there - I refused to do his dirty work. By this time, his Mom and Dad were losing their minds. They WERE out searching for him and endlessly calling him - they even called the police. They were in awe how I was able to be calm and rational, while they were full of fear and anger. I told them that I was practicing "Detachment" - I am sure they thought I was crazy.
And by Tuesday night, my husband had called me. His truck had been impounded, he spent all his money and maxed out his credit card. I told him that he could not come home... and he hung up and called his sponser.
It is true what they say: Sometimes you have to "fake it to make it"... I wasn't sure that by NOT reacting, all would be OK. What I had been doing for so long, time and time again, by acting all crazy and chasing after him and worrying, never helped - not one bit. It made me Insane. By this time, I had nothing to lose... "Detachment" was worth a shot. I still struggle to decide what IS and ISN'T "codie" behavior; what I SHOULD or SHOULDN'T do or say... What IS and ISN'T mine to deal with. But I always remember how it felt to NOT react, and to put ME first like I did that weekend... it helps me to put things into perspective.
Take care
Meg