I use "do not talk to me like that" alot. So much so that my son who is only 4, uses it when anyone raises their voice. If his sister talks back to me, he even tells her to "not talk to mom like that!"
I don't know what good it is doing, most times I don't respond at all. Which just gives him a reason to yell more (like they need a reason). When AH starts a tantrum about me not listening to him, I politely tell him that I am not responding to ANYTHING he says in that tone, or to any "just a joke" remarks. This will usually send him off into another room, not speaking to me....as if it's my fault.
I would say that it is teaching my children that I stand up for myself, without yelling, and that I will not accept being treated like that. There are alot of advocates for leaving, which may work for them, but financially it is not an option for me. So if you have to stay, you have to find your way to cope. It seems like you are already "on to" him, and know that much, if not all, of what an A is saying, is quite the opposite of the truth. I find myself walking away from many of AH's "speeches" just shaking my head and sometimes smiling and thinking: if he only knew how ridiculous he sounds.
Someone suggested videotaping during his outbursts. (sorry I can't remember who's post to give credit to). This seems like a good idea to me, to let them see what they look like and sound like. I just haven't come across the best way to do this yet, but that is what I plan to do. When we were watching a video from son's birthday, my AH (of course he has already drank plenty on this occassion), asked if he really sounded that nasty. I flatly told him yes, that is how he talks to everyone, especially me, when he has been drinking. He never said a word about it after that. That wasn't even when he was being abusive, just his normal (drunk) voice.
I am dealing more with the memory lapses currently. He drinks, He doesn't remember and I have to re-live every conversation of the previous day. I am not sure how far your AH has progressed, but there is a chance that he doesn't even remember the abusive stuff said. The day after some of our arguements, my AH used to say that he "doesn't want to talk about it" "it's done" "straightened it all out before" blah blah blah. I have now realized that he says these things because he CAN'T REMEMBER what the arguement was about or anything that was said.
I've read books too, in front of AH even. He was very mad the first time he saw one laying around, but just as I am not trying to change him, he knows he cannot change my opinion of alcohol. He made one comment about why I would get such a book, and I told him he is welcome to read it and decide for himself. I also told him that it was for ME, not him, and informed him that when I get done reading this book, he would not be able to control me or manipulate me anymore. He didn't like that, but I can slowly (oh so slowly) see things are a little better. Less arguements, less drinking, less manipulating (almost none really, because it is not working!), less secretive behavior, less rude remarks. Basically he is minding his P's and Q's for now, and yes I do know that is only temporary, but it is tolerable for now.
Let us know how it's going.