Hi,
I've been sober now for 19 days. Well, as you guys know, I relapsed for about 6 months there. Over that time I was kinda mulling around the first step in my head but I think I've got that one down. My life was unmanagable and I wasn't able to control my drinking. So, then I moved on to step 2. Well, I thought long and hard about this one too...I am too scientific by nature to just hand it all over to God and beleive that He will take everything away. I mean, I do believe in God but I beleive that He wants us to figure things out using each other too. I mean, otherwise, why would people be such social creatures. You physically cannot live alone in isolation and be ok. Anyways, so then I got thinking...well...like they said at the meetings, there is a group of people there who have something that you want. Well, so finally I just decided to split it up between AA and God. AA people are something that I can physically see, feel and touch. It helps me...so I've got #2 down. I know that they have something I cannot get on my own. I tried that for 6 months, I know I cannot do this alone. #3..well, still working on that. I mean, it's like step 1, it required continuous upkeep. I keep thinking that I have control again and that's really a step 1 issue. So, I'm still kinda working on step 3. My question is...when do you start step 4? I know it's one of those vital ones or whatnot but, I guess I don't want to get stuck. There is a girl who has been exactly where I am, no sponsor and up to step 3 for 13 months. I mean, she's sober but...she quit working the steps at step 4 and I don't want that to be me. Do I need a sponsor to do step 4? Just wondering. I have been getting to know lots more people at the meetings. Yesterday at the noon meeting I just randomly walked up to people and introduced myself. It was great, I met lots of people. Well, I skipped out of the Friday open meeting to avoid Jennie but I ended up going to the other meeting going and talking to this guy I had nicknamed "the angry guy" (turns out he's not taht angry!) for like 2 1/2 hours after the meeting! It wasn't like the other time though with Mike because I felt I made a real connection with him. He is shy and quiet like me so I can really relate to him. He has a PhD which I really respect so....I mean, it wasn't a connection like that but, I had a good talk and he gave me some good hints. Problem is, I still seem to end up talking to guys mostly. I try to talk to the women but it's difficult. I mean, the idea of sponsoring just kinda freaks me out and I can't see just picking someone and being like...ok...You! I'm going to talk to you and become good friends for years with you! It's just kinda strange to me. So, that's what I was wondering, I mean....is it necessary to have a sponsor for the 4th step or can I at least attempt it alone. So far I barly know what it is and I'm not getting the wheels in my head spinning or anything. I'm keeping myself in the dark about it so I can't mentally start doing it. I don't think that would be good for me. So anyways, I'm rambling again....
Thank you for any responses.....