Powerful thread Jack. For whatever it's worth I feel for you.
I don't believe in a personal G*d. That'll be down to my arrogance, and I've come to believe that it's really not very important what I believe. But I've found that acceptance, a very precious personal gift which I have been given by AA, is my key to my life. And in my opinion, acceptance is common to all people of whatever creed or none who manage to find some peace in life.
In my head here's my analogy. I'm sorry if it seems glib, particularly in the face of what you, and the others who have contributed to this thread, have suffered. I am in a great river. We all are. The current carries us. Sometimes I might decide that I want to be with that person over there, or going in that direction. I try to swim. As I see the object of my desires isn't coming closer, I fight harder. Then maybe I panic and fill with fear. Then I sulk. Then I get mad and thrash about. Then I curse the river. The river doesn't care. It just does what it does. Then I get drunk and pretend I'm not in a river.
Eventually I realise that I cannot defeat the river. I realise that the river flows, I flow with it, I can move a little either way, but the only thing I can truly control is what happens inside me, not what happens in the river.
Nothing changes. I'm still in the river. It still takes me where it takes me, and where it takes me is, by definition, where I need to go. But I stop fighting. So I change, inside. Destinations remain the same, people passing. Now I witness them more calmly.
That's my way of understanding my journey. I fought and was angry for too long. It's just a river.