I have a problem with this detachment part of it. Maybe I'm not understanding. How can this afternoon when he sobers up and I come home from work can I act like nothing happened. Shouldn't he have to pay for his consequences? Shouldn't he know what he has said and done.
You should read all the stickies here, keep posting and asking questions, and take your time sorting through all the info-- because it can be overwhelming and it's a lot to figure out. The detachment thing is very hard to understand for me too, but I think the logic behind it is, the alcoholic needs their partner to engage them in the usual dance- the abuse, the verbal assault, the blame game, etc. Somehow it serves to assuage their own guilt and self-hatred and in a weird way enables them to keep drinking by placing the burden and the fallout on someone else. If you no loger react in the same way, if you detach to the point that his actions don't bring you back to that miserable place, and he can't hook you in the dance, he loses his control and has no one to fight with anymore... he's left by himself with his guilt. And that's no fun cuz there's no one to blame, and he won't succeed in ruining your day too.
That's my interpretation of it. I'm fairly new to a lot of these ideas too, I don't know how people manage this detachment thing while staying with the alcoholic and living under the same roof, but many people do and do it well. You should definitely get to an Al Anon meeting. The One Day at a Time book has a message for every day that helped me to think through what a lot of these concepts and ideas mean in real life.
My ex knew and had actually recommended that I go to Al Anon, I think he saw it as a way of helping me "understand" him and I think he thought it would work in his favor while he pretended to be working AA. But I wasn't "scared" of him in any way.... if you are afraid of your husband's reactions if he finds out that you do attend meetings, then obviously that's another element that needs to be explored and where your line is between what's acceptable and what's not. But meetings might do you, and your kids, a world of good in learning to deal with an unhealthy situation in the healthiest way possible...for you and them. Women Who Love Too Much is a book that helped me understand the 'dance' mentioned above as well as how our childhood emotional experiences, even those that weren't super traumatic, tend to play out in our adult relationships.
I know it doesn't seem so right now probably but in time, the more you start to understand and fully accept the realities of things, your thinking patterns and your reactions just start changing... almost right under your nose. That's how it happens for me anyway. I just surrendered to my powerlessness over him and his choices and took control of my power over myself, acknowledged MY addiction and obsession with him, and made room in my head and my heart for the things I needed to do to get a handle on my life. And some days are hard, and I had to get used to feeling uncomfortable, and I still struggle.... but time and dedication to your OWN recovery does bring clarity and peace. It takes time, and it's not easy or pain-free, but a shift comes.
Read all you can on detachment and on setting boundaries so that you can have some self-respect and peace while you work through this difficult time and figure things out.
Glad you're here.
