Hi, I've been lurking here reading the posts and I can say they have helped me. Not a lot yet but gave me a lot of thinking to do. I will try to keep this short. I have been married to my AH for 16 years and he has drank for the 16 years and verbally abusive when he is drinks. We have 11 year old twins. I am very emotionaly tired from the verbal abuse when he drinks. He went to Patriot's game last night. Came home at 3:30am trashed. I have to leave for work at 4:00am. The minute he came in he started calling me names and that I have a boyfriend, (which I don't), how much of a witch I am, how I am being this awful mother to my kids, etc, etc, etc, as I am getting ready for work. Then he calls me on my cell phone as I was driving to work to continue the attack on me. Then there was more verbal when I was here at work. I don't even know if he called in to his work that he wasn't going in. I'm fortunate that my kids can get themselves off to school.
I have a problem with this detachment part of it. Maybe I'm not understanding. How can this afternoon when he sobers up and I come home from work can I act like nothing happened. Shouldn't he have to pay for his consequences? Shouldn't he know what he has said and done. And that it hurt me and nobody should be talked to like that. I'm thinking of getting a tape recorder and taping his verbal assaults on me and letting him hear himself. If this situation was reversed, I know he would have thrown me to the curb.
I'm learning that I need to do for me and the kids. Whatever mood he is in, whether sober or drunk, I try to make my kids life as normal as can be. I'm finally not waiting for him and doing things with the kids without him. I am also came to the realization that I am cleaning the house for me and the kids and NOT for him. Today, I am making a nice roast beef dinner for me and the kids. If he wants to eat fine, if not, fine too.
The only outcome from this I see is divorce. He thinks having a few "cocktails" is fine. Like the word cocktails makes it okay. It would make it so much easier if he just left on his own rather than me feeling guilty because I told him to leave. I am scared, tired, and I don't want my children to think that this is what life is about. I want my children to respect people and not to accept this behavior from anyone.
I know I am rambling but my mind is going a mile a minute this morning.
I've thought about al-ateen and al-anon but I afraid what the reprecussions would be if my husband found out I was going to meetings. When you go to meeting does your spouse know you go and what do they say about it?
Thanks for listening.