EyesOpen

in detaching was when my A wanted me to stay up all night and listen to him have a pity party. He wanted an audience. I wanted sleep.

Rather than get all self-pitying of myself not getting sleep, the thought occurred to me that he was acting exactly like a little child having a temper-tantrum.

When I had that little mental image in my head, it was easy for me to loose my self-pity and emotional fed-up-ed-ness (is that a word?). Having let go of my emotional stuff, I was able to say calmly and with some authority "You're feeling sorry for yourself. It's not attractive. Stop it."

I was kind of shocked that it came out of my mouth like that. I kind of expected him to revolt.

But he didn't. He shut up and went to sleep. Just like a lightbulb.

So, I guess the mental state of "detachment" can be achieved by looking at him and rather than seeing your adult spouse, but seeing him as a spoiled brat in a grocery store. Address him the same way a responsible adult would address a child having a temper tantrum -- don't get into it with him. Tell him plainly and factually how he is misbehaving, tell him the consequences, and then turn your back.