WindGoddess

I am married to someone who has recently checked into rehab for addiction to fentynol. This is his second time in 1 year since our 9 years together. It may be his 4th time overall and only now have I come to realize that this is far more serious a problem than I first believed.

We have 5 children and on the outside we're your classic surburban family with Godly values (so I thought) and have been considered people who have their "stuff together". The reality couldn't be more different. Yes, we have wonderful bright and talented children. We are fortunate to have a nice home, good friends and good income. But we also have had a turbulent, violent relationship. Recently, our 3 yr old witnessed my husband being emotionally and physically abusive to me. It was heartbreaking to hear him say to my husband (after things 'settled down') "Daddy, you hit mommy!"

He's been in detox for 5 days now and is scheduled to come home tomorrow. He is a 20 something year long chronic migraine sufferer. Over time, his tolerance for pain had increased so much that taking 6 vicadons did nothing. He then turned to strong perscription narcotics. Ironically, he also holds a degree for addiction recovery and used to council people. He remained sober for years until 2 or 3 years ago and the ugly pattern began all over again. Only with me, this is (as I said) the second time I've seen it. Needless to say, he is painfully aware that he posseses this disease and has no self-control over it. He did the right thing by checking himself in but what I'm worried about is that he seems to still be in the state of mind that a lot of his troubles is due to our marriage. He blames me for not being able to control his abuse, his anger and depression. Although I know it takes two to argue I feel I am healthy minded enough to know that I do not deserve to be physically touched or threatened in any violent matter - no matter what I say in anger. I feel the best thing for us right now is to have some space.

I know I need to go to both Alonon and Stand (support for abused women/men). The turmoil is deep because I've experienced some level of abuse and addiction in every relationship I've ever been in (that's another topic I need counseling for). I honestly thought that the pattern was broken almost 10 years ago when I first met my husband. He had all these healthy qualities that were so attractive to me. That all took a painful turn just a few years ago. Now, with our children involved the thought of separating is all the harder. He does love our children deeply and he says he loves me too, but he doesn't love himself.

Things are kind of in a 'wait and see' mode even though I feel very detached emotionally as well as distrustful. I do still love him and want to support him in his recovery. The question is, will he stay on this path and never touch fentynol or any other narcotic again? The high doses he was taking could have killed someone. The doctor's are a bit baffled that he's still functional.

All I can do right now is pray and remain strong for me and our children. I am also reaching out to others who may be going through something similar.

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.