I've been thinking about trust a lot lately, in relation to my higher power. This is a very helpful reading to find today.
I've been wondering about what holds me back from trusting completely, what reasons I have for taking back "control" over and over again. So to read this now is especially ringing bells.
The writer asks, what obstacles block from turning things over to HP. I can relate to the wish for guarantees and trying over and over again to do it myself. I think it's become a habit after doing it for years and years. It takes my awareness and daily intention to let go and rely on a power greater than me. I must do it over and over again because I forget and slip into unconscious old patterns of thinking.
I know if I would just do it, turn it over, things would change for the better. I _know_ this. I've done it before in some instances. But still I forget. So I'm not sure what my specific obstacles are or how to get past them.
One thing ... is a vague sense that one of my flaws is too entrenched and impossible, maybe I'm the case
that can't be changed. Thus it still feels like I'm inherently flawed/worthless/shame-filled in that area and it controls me instead of me controlling it.
My sponsor assures me - keep working the steps, just keep working the steps, keep coming back. She doesn't condemn me. She has faith and I'm leaning on that for now.
Maybe another part of it is ... fears that I have so far to go and it will take forever and ever and I won't live long enough, LOL. I chuckle as I listen to myself here, once again grabbing on and not letting go, acting like I could possibly be in control of this. I am kidding myself. How to quit doing that.
Keep showing up. My HP will show me what I need to know as I learn what it is I need to learn ... to value myself, to have autonomy, to grow in healthy thinking patterns, to reclaim who I am, to trust my HP ...
