What to do?????????
Last week I had made my mind up to go ahead and end the whole thing, but towards the end of the week I guess that I started to feel guilty again so the kids and I went over on Thursday to pick up some mail and visit with my AH. When we got there he seems surprised to see us. The kids wanted something to drink and I went to the refridge to get them something. There was beer in there, not just a couple, alot. This surprised me since he told me he had stopped drinking. I did not say anything then about it. When we got ready to leave he ask me when I was going to come home. I told him that I was not coming home until it was gone. I have told him this several times. He said he was leaving it in there in case I did not do what he wanted me to do. I told him if he was serious and wanted to talk about me coming home to get rid of it. He said he would throw it away and I said NO, pour it out and I will stay and talk then. He said NO. (If he threw it in the garbage he could have easily dug it out after I left). I told him that I was not playing a game with him. We then left.
On Friday he called me and wanted me to come spend the night with him on Saturday since it was our wedding anniversary. I refused and he got mad and wanted to argue with me so I ended the conversation and did not speak to him the day of our anniversary simply b/c I did not want to celebrate it. It has never really been something we celebrated before why start now. I did however take the kids and we went to the coast (what is left after Katrina) We went shopping and I actually spent money on myself. We went to eat and had a great time.
I did not take any of his calls until Tuesday morning and he was furious with me by this time. I immediatly ended that conversation too. He later picked our daughter up from school and met me after work with her. He was nice. He told me that he was seriously trying and he wanted me to think about coming back. He also admitted that he had said somethings that he should not have said. His older son was with him over the weekend and my husband's ex-wife called to say that he was not drinking while he was there and so did my Mother - In - Law.
I am very glad to hear all of this, but I am not sure that I trust him just yet. There are some things that I need to work on for myself before I can even think about going back. I hate to say this, but I am not sure if I am even in love with this man anymore. I love him very dearly and want the best for him. I want with all my heart for him to be happy, but I don't think I can be happy with him.
Since I have left I truly feel safe. I am happy. I don't have to worry about the kids riding in a vehicle with him. I don't have to worry about them not getting fed or something to drink. I don't have to worry about my son's diaper not being changed when I leave him with his dad. I have had to make changes in my work schedule to accomidate this new life, but I think I can learn to live this way and be happy. I don't want to wake up 10 or 20 years from now and say what if...........