You are soo right Don. Thank you so much. It always helps me so much when I read your posts because reading what I write in little pieces always gives me that..."I wrote that?" Feeling. Last night ended up with Dave and I talking till 7am. There was an almost fight there but we talked extensively. Why he was giving me such a hard time was because he was making sure I wasn't doing the "screw Stacey" bit. Like when he asked if I wanted to watch stuff wth them and I said no, that's ok, you go ahead. He translated that as...screw stacey, I'll just go hide in the other room. He didn't understand that I actually Wanted to hide in the other room! I havn't had an instance yet where I just needed to get away. That's not normally me so it kinda took me off guard as well. But, that's why he was arguing because I tend to ...like I've said, wear faces and do whatever people want me to, even if I dont want to do it. He thought I was doing that. I told him that I'm working on it and to just believe what I say at face value and if Im not being honest or doing the Screw Stacey, then that's my fault. I said, don't try to analyze me because it just happened that I was telling the truth and got really not happy when he tried to tell me what I was thinking. He also did make me angry talking about how I never stick up to people. He said that when Aaron asked if I wanted to drink I said no with such a lack of convicton I probrably gave him the impression that I want him to keep asking me and that I don't want him to stop and if I truly do, I should tell him that. I was just like...Dave! Dave! One thing at a time! He caught me off guard as it was and even though I was instantly angry and said no, there was such a powerful trigger there that I was fighting I couldn't even think of much else than "I need to get out of this situation." He just goes off about how I need to tell my friends, don't ask me or I'm going to be angry. I told him, yes....I do. But ya know, after Aaron has asked me about 6-7 times to drink now and I've managed to say no...he's going to get bored with me. I barly talk to him as it is. But, Dave still insists it would be good for me to build confidence by sitting down and seriously telling Aaron Quit asking me. See, that would be voicing my opinion though, my true opinion. That's one big problem for me that I need to work on...however, like I told Dave. I can't change overnight, what's important is that I said no. He says that I won't stand up to them because I want them to be asking me. Which isn't true. That may have been true in the past but, it's much easier to stay sober without people asking me all the time if I want to get drunk! So, it's not so much that Dave wasn't used to me I guess....but more that...he doesn't realize that I am slowly changing my habits. (such as, saying what I mean when I mean it.) Maybe I didn't do it to Aaron tonight, but I did it with Dave and he didn't even belive me. That's what I told him, if my own b/f doesn't take my credibility, why should Aaron? I've told him over and over that I'm not drinking anymore and than drank. How does he know? Maybe I do need to tell Aaron to go away forever but...I just don't know if I'm up to that. I just keep my distance from him for now and don't go over to his house, don't see him outside of meetings...etc. I safeguard myself against him when I probrably should be saying something. Like I told Dave though, what happens if I sit down and say all this to Aaron and it gets me so worked up and out of sorts that I end up drinking? How does that help? He almost tried to give me the...well, it's only 1 slip, that's better than having Aaron asking me forever. This is when I just sighed and really understood what people mean about non-alcoholics not understanding. I told him, my sobriety is number one. As long as I'm not drinking I can handle anything but the moment I take that drink...I"m doomed. So, that was that....I told him gaining confidence is something that I will be working up to in the program but for now, I'm just not there yet. I'm just trying to stay sober and define what exactly is my higher power. I'm not to step four yet and I still don't have a sponsor. So, I'm ok for now. I see how the program is working in my life and I want to keep working it and not give up. I really like being sober, things are hard but...in time I feel they will get easier the more I distance me and alcohol. BTW: That's funny to hear that your son is into Cowboy Bebop too....
Does he watch other anime? There aren't many people that actually watch it...good stuff though...sometimes! So, things are ok for now...we went to bed at 7am and I'm back up at 1..sigh, another no sleep night for me. But, I just can't wait to get up to the campgrounds and hit the meeting up there. I think it'll be really nice. I'm taking Dave and my puppy, like I've said....if I can't talk to people....they can't resist talking to me if I have my puppy!
Thanks, I know I will be sober for today and that's all I need.......