Frusterations....
Sigh....this sober stuff isn't easy! Aaron's trial ended up getting postponed. So, he's not in jail...yet. It was interesting sitting there watching people be sentanced though. I've sat in courtrooms twice before. Once when I was doing my internship at the probation office. During this time I was currently hauling around pot in my pocket and smoking everyday after I left the courthouse. I only kept that up for a couple of months though...I wasn't really into pot. I went back to drinking. The second time was when I got arrested. Let me tell you, thinking back sitting there made me realize how much I don't want to get into any more trouble. More than just, I want to stop drinking...just watching and practically feeling the poor people's nervousness there. It really bothered me. Well, then I didn't end up going to the noon meeting, although I probrably should have. I was just soo tired after being up yesterday at 6am and today at 9 when I didn't get to bed till about 3. So, I just stayed with Dave and took a nap till the night meeting. Life without a job is interesting...naps in the middle of the day. hehe...But anyways, I went to the meeting tonight which was ok but not that great because it was a speaker I'd already heard. Then I had to hang out with Jennie even longer tonight because she doesn't have to be up tomarrow morning. Sometimes, I just wish I could come home and chill. Well, now Dave's friends are here. While we were outside grilling Aaron came up and was obviously pretty drunk. He talked for abit and was like..."Hey, just came to see if you'd be up for going to the bar with me." I just kinda went..."uhh....nah." and tried to change the subject. It really kinda, i don't know. It kinda set me a little off....it was kinda like a trigger without actually making me drink. Then we were playing euchre just a little while ago and I renigged during the game twice. I felt bad but...I don't know. My mind was just so wandery because I always tend to play euchre when I was drunk. Maybe I shouldn't have played but I haven't been playing it drunk lately. But since the last time we played Dave and I lost and then this time I caused Neil and I to lose I was hearing a few jokes about bringing down the group. I don't know...I just felt this anger inside me flare up. I don't even really know why...I think it was just...I'm trying to deal with my disease here! I've spent the last 4 hours with Jennie when I didn't really want to, then I'm playing euchre like crap and they were making jokes. I don't know why but it just really pissed me off. I'm just really in turmoil today and I can't really explain why. Maybe I should've went to that meeting this morning. I don't know. Well, then afterwards Dave keeps trying to get me to watch this Anime him and his friends all watch called Cowboy Bebop. Well, I told him I wanted to watch it in order and they were watching a random episode. He kept on and kept on trying to get me to watch it and making snide comments about how I always go antisocial. I just got really mad and told him to just leave me alone. I want to be alone. He got kinda snippy with me and was like..Fine, be antisocial then. I don't think he got it...I just told him..I need to chill ya know? I need to be alone for a few moments to gather my thoughts. I need to sit down and read the big book. It's 4am for gosh sake, not like it wouldn't be normal to be going to bed! We've all been drinking coffee all night though so I have a feeling we're all going to be up for a couple more hours. Sigh....I don't know. Are these feelings normal? Is it normal to want to just get away for awhile when you feel yourself internally losing control? I just don't know...they say not to isolate but...what if I feel like I'm going crazy inside for no particular reason? I don't understand....