I totally agree. I went to the meeting tonight (with Jennie..sigh) and she was there. She seems to be chilling at least a little. I mean, I do feel for her, I know it's not easy. I think I was just in a bad mood this morning. I do feel a lot better. Jennie seems to be laying off and realizing that I'm serious about being sober. I don't really even mind her going because the pressure afterwards seems to be off. I've got such a streak of going to the meetings going now that I feel like I've got a pattern that she doesn't seem to mind that I don't break. She calls...I go..wanna go to the meeting with me? And she says sure, I'll be over. So, things are definitly better there. The only problem with going is that I still tend to isolate when she's there but since I've been reaching out in the morning meetings...well, at .....well, Ok. I've had one converation..hehe. Anyways, people are really getting to at least know my face and they obviously know I'm trying if they see me so much and they seem to be more open to me. It seems like the old timers can tell when it's working for someone and when it's not. I get that impression anyways. Aaron was at the meeting tonight. I almost feel bad for him because he is going to court tomarrow for walking out of couseling and breaking probation. They want to give him teather and I guess he doesn't want to do that, he'd rather go to jail. So, he talks tonight...tells everyone thank you but I'm going to jail tomarrow morning and it was nice knowing you. Then goes off about his lawyer and how much he sucks. I didn't quite understand. I mean, even with only 10 days sober I can almost see from the outside looking in that he's not sober ya know? Even without knowing that he still drinks everyday, I could tell just with his wording. I felt bad and he asked me to go to his trial tomarrow at 9am. I'm kinda mixed because first, it involves me getting up really early which I know he wouldn't do it for me if it was the other way around. And 2. I mean...I don't know...I think it's really good for me to see what alcohol can do to another person but I hate to do it at Aaron's expense...he doesn't seem to care about his sobriety honestly. I have learned to try and not let that affect me as much as my people pleasing self wants to push myself aside and help him first. Mike, the guy I was talking to the other day said something really helpful. I was telling him about my inability to say no and he asked me if I saw myself as a people pleaser. I was like...yeah, yeah I am. I'm always helping people before myself. Hell, my b/f calls it the screw Stacey attitude. There's a name for it! Well, then out of the blue he asked if I was abused as a kid. I'd never put those two together. I'd never thought about the fact that my people pleasing, my many faces, my inability to bring my feelings out was a byproduct of my childhood and my upbringing where if I voiced the wrong opinion I would get hit. My mood always depended on my dads mood. If he came home in a bad mood, I went to my room and stayed there all night. I hid from him and in doing that, I hid from myself. When I couldn't escape I read books...lots and lots and lots of books. And I kept my diary. It was the only way I could escape my reality at the time. I was subject to a lot of things that I really shouldn't have been and I've never put the two together that the reason I have such a horrible time saying no is because of that upbringing. I can remember vividly watching my dad beat my puppy when he went to the bathroom on the rug. I remember watching him punch this puppy in the head and just crying because I didn't know what to do but I couldn't bring myself to face him about it. I knew he did and he knew I knew but nothing was ever said. i told my mom and she asked him about it but that's as far as it went. I have a lot of work to do. I guess this is 4th step stuff. I mean, I have so many demon's in my past that the idea of facing them scares me enough to go back out. I don't know if I'll ever be able to truly like sit down and ask my dad...why did you beat my puppy when I was 13 years old? You knew I was watching and crying and yet, you didn't stop, why? I don't know if I'll ever get there but, I hope I can at least come to peace with some of this internally myself. ya know, I think I like the program so much not even so much because it gets me sober although that is great. That's only the start though, it's a program of self discovery and although that scares me, I know that it's going to make me a better person and maybe be able to releive some of the turmoil going on inside myself about my dad and about my life and how it hasn't exactly worked out as I'd planned. I mean, I think about it...i'm 24...I'm hoping to get married next year and maybe have a kid within the next couple of years and that scares the s*** out of me! But I know it's what I want to do but within the time between now and then, I have a lot of inventory to do and a lot of work to do on my sobriety. This program has been the best thing to ever happen to me...and I want to sit there one day and tell my story about how the program saved my life. I want what they have. How many times have I heard that? But I do....I just wish I could open my mouth at meetings and say something. I am hurting inside as I start to think about the reasons why I drink. Outwardly I want to just go...I drink because it's fun. No, there is more to it. Yeah, it's fun..party hardy but...there is more. There's reason's I began drinking and there are reasons I continued to drink into oblivion. There are reasons today that I can't say no and why I hate public speaking and attention on myself. I want to deal with that so I can be a better person. Not just a drunken baffoon fumbling her way through college and life always hiding my true feelings. That's not a way to live life. I want to break free of the hold my parents have over me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to handle my dad. I don't even know what to say about him...he is just....I don't know. He is my father and I love him but...sometimes it's really hard to deal with him. Here's the latest example...typical conversation, My dad:"Have you put on some weight?" Me, "No, not really...maybe a couple of pounds." My dad:" Oh, must just be the clothes you wear now." then turning to my mom.."Janet, doesn't she look like she's gaining weight?" My mom going" No, Jim, be decent." Still, the damage is done. Or my dad teasing "You really turned out to be an ugly thing!" Me" Hey, genes half come from you!" Still, inwardly ya know...it still hurts. Or about Dave, my fiance. My dad" So you guys are really getting married?" Me, "Yeah...looks like he's the one!" (with a smile) My dad:" I guess I'll have to learn to live with him then..." (with a sigh) I just want to scream and go...can't you just be happy that I'm happy? I really don't care if you don't like him. I have to constantly put up with my dad making snide litle comments about Dave. Constantly, like when I'll be telling him something about him and my dad's just like..."I bet he's just gonna take in his car and pay whatever they tell him to like a girl instead of learning to do it himself huh?" Ya know, just as an example. And he always says it like he's joking with this little smirk on his face. But inside me...I'm just steaming mad but I go..."not everyone is a mechanic ya know." and he drops it or even worse goes..." Yeah,.....I don't know about him." I have learned through the years that no matter what I'm feeling inside, however mad I may be...to push it down inside and always remain in control and monotone. Make it light, smile..be friendly. That's me. Ok...I've just gone off about my dad. See, I can't imagine actually facing all this but I know I need to or it's going to eat away at me forever. Even if I can't change my dad, I can change myself and how I handle situations. I'm just really surprized I haven't done it before now honestly. I guess I never really knew where my feelings really came from or what to do about them besides drink. I went from books to beer.
What a combination! That's what I used to hide though. I'm trying not to hide anymore but the more I don't share at these meetings the more I'm just hiding in them. So, I am going to work on that...I know I need to. Dave and I are driving up to do the camping thing for a day that AA is putting on so, that should be good for getting to know people. And, in any case, if ya can't talk to people, bring the puppy..hehe. Nothing works better at breaking into converations than having a puppy.
Anyways, I've went on long enough...I do feel better though. I suppos I will probrably get up and see Aaron off into jail if that is indeed where he is headed. I feel better. If I could just get this out at a meeting. I just know for a fact that if I say one word about trying to deal with my dad hitting me I'm going to be bawling like a baby. .