Don,
Well, 6:30am is still pretty early to me, drinking or not.
If I had a morning job or something that would be different but...I'm a night person by nature so...nighttime is really my prime time. After the sun goes down, and that's not just because of drinking. I've always been that way. I like the night time air and the non-blinding sunshine. Just the mystery and darkness of night that you can either just enjoy or lose yourself in it. It just suits me better. Maybe someday daytime will be my thing but....not right now. I'm too screwed up to fully face the world. I like to be out when everyone else is in bed. I did however end up getting up and driving out to the meeting this morning. It was good...there weren't alot of people there and I was the youngest one. It was good and bad because everyone was looking at me like they wanted to help me. I didn't talk, although I came close...I just didn't know what to say. I have so much to say I can't sort through it to get one issue out because it will lead into another, ya know? Well, after the meeting I did start talking to this one guy I hadn't seen. I just made some comment like...Sigh...I was gonna talk too! It ended up him and this other guy that I see at meetings all the time went outside with me and we stood there talking for 2 hours! I rambled and rambled and rambled. And ya know, I don't know if I'll ever talk to him again but just to be able to get all that out was great. We didn't like..make a...Your my new best friend bond but they listened to me and I listened to them. I just couldn't stop. Finally 2 hours after the meeting was over I left and came home to an angry b/f. He was angry at my dog because we can't seem to get him pottytrained. Sigh....but, I talked to him and I think my bubbly cheerfulness wore off. He was smiling by the time he left for work. I explained my problem of having Jennie go to the meetings with me, I explained aaron. They both knew who he was before I even said his name. So, it was really good. I told them I wasn't sure if I was even going to make it this time although I really want to but I did explain that I know why I was failing is because I was ignoring the steps and just trying to reach a goal. Ya know? 30 days...but I didn't want to do any of the work. And Don, my trigger is really anything specific....it's kinda just there ya know? Like, normally I would've failed by now so it's like inside I'm kinda on edge all the time. Taking Jennie with me has been really bad for me because I only get like 1/2 the benifit of the meetings at best. I know, just don't take her...well, she calls me up and she know's I'm going to a meeting and just kinda waits and waits till I invite her. I can't just be like..well, you don't help me, so you can't come. I mean...she says she's addicted to pot...I'm not so sure about that...I've seen her decline it no problem and go without it without even trying but, who am I to judge? So, I don't want to say..you can't come because she claims she's stopping so...ya know? But at the same time when she's like....i'm so bored, I'm sick of doing this attitude...that doesn't help me. I mean, she does it everytime and now she's getting to that point again that she's like...I'm sick of meetings, let's go get drunk. It's always been then that I fail...and I can't do that. It's at that point though that I need to make that stand, that's why it makes me nervous and taking her with me to the meetings has been really bad because I can't be open. I mean....I tend to put on faces around people and I do around Jennie, she doesn't see my true feelings and i dont' see hers. That's just how it is. My real problem is that I'm a people pleaser, I just don't say no. I've never been good at it and I know it's something I need to work on. It's a touchy situation because...I don't know...Jennie calls me and I feel kinda pressured almost to invite her. She know's where I'm going..she calls me and just waits for me to invite her. If I don't I'm sure she'd invite herself or try to get me to drink. What I need to do is just get her out of my life. She is bad for me. I mean, I can't go to meetings and be like..well, my problem right now is sitting right next to me. Here everyone, when I fail...it's with this person...oh, right here! ya know? It's just a touchy situation. I know that eventaully she will fall back out of my life as she has done in the past. Once she get's over her...I'm staying away from my drinking buddies sindrome. (She's mad at them right now) She'll stop calling me and that'll be it. But, I don't feel it's right for me to put my sobriety on hold until that happens, which is something I would've previously done. It would've been the latest excuse. I'm not letting that happen this time but...at the same time..I'm not sure how to do things otherwise. I'm still learning. Wow....the phone just rang and it was the temp. agency I applied at. Looks like I'm going to be working again! Sigh...I'm not that excited because I'm going to hate the job but....I guess it's a job right? 7-3pm. Not too shabby except that my b/f works from 3-11pm. hehe....we'll like, NEVER see each other. Sigh, gotta do it though right? It's a packaging company. I'm kinda scared actually. It's a really warm env. You wear safety glasses and earplugs. Assembly work. I've never done anything like that. I always get scared about new environments. I guess that'll just push me even more to get a different job eh? Sigh...this will be good. See, I'm all stressed out now. I can still hit meetings every night. This will be ok. I'll see my b/f on the weekends and we can email each other all night. aagggghhh...the world is catching up with me. Why couldn't I just get a normal job? I'm going to be doing assembly work for 8 hours a day! Ug! It's a paycheck, it's a paycheck. Learning experience, I'll just keep telling myself that. Ok...well, that's the issue at hand right now. No more noon meeting on Friday or Monday's I guess. I really like that one too. This will be good for my sobriety. New job. More responsibility. Sigh....still nervous. I hate starting new things...I hate change. Anyways, I'm rambling my scared little thoughts.
Sober for today....day 9.