You say your husband is 43. That means he was born in 1963 or 63. The boy babies born in those years were still raised in the era of "men don't cry", "men don't show their feelings", etc etc
How about just accepting the fact, that during this time of grief, he needs to process it in his own way. As suggested above, calmly let him know that "if he needs anything that you can help him with you are there." Then step back. Worry about and work on you. This need not be a trigger.
Keep posting and venting on here. If you are going to meetings, get to a few extra and get some more phone numbers that you can call when you are in a 'tither'.
My father was the way you describe your husband to be, for all my years and it drove my mother crazy. In the process she would almost drive him crazy and did drive him away several times. She never did learn to just "leave him be" for a few days and he would be back to his 'normal' self, whatever that was. Several times when this happened after I got sober, he would come to my house, I would point him to the 'guest bedroom' and say "see ya later dad."
I know its frustrating, but it really doesn't have anything to do with you, this is the way your hubby processes his grief.
J M H O
Love and ((((((to all))))),