Hello,
I have no ultimate answers to life problems such as these. But I can assure you that you are not alone. I recently was let go from my job in Florida, broke off an engagement, realized I couldn't afford to live there on my own, and came home to Pennsylvania where my family is to get my head screwed on straight. I've only been here for 3 weeks, and I have been miserable.
My mother is the only person in my family who knows the "details" of my condition right now... but no one except me knows the whole story. I am scared to let anything show on the outside for fear of the consequences. I've had several diagnoses, including Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Recurring Clinical Depression, and Bipolar NOS (not otherwise specified). Do I have these disorders? Who knows. Have my addictions brought on some of these issues? I have no idea. I left the only psychiatrist I've ever known in Florida, and even though I can call her anytime, it's so difficult to be "on my own." I don't know what is going to happen from one day to the next. Am I going to find a way to use drugs and relapse? Am I going to find some other sufficient self-destructive behavior? It's scary, every day.
I completely understand how you feel about your friends, telling you they know and understand. Those are the words are true friends who want to support you but don't exactly know how. Even I, who has slightly similar problems to your own, have no idea what is the best path for you to take. I keep hearing that our own individual paths are inside of us, and we just have to listen. That if we allow ourselves to completely heal and become strong on our own, the answers will come. I pray this is true, for all of us.
Hang in there. It's an unbelievable battle that I've only begun myself, but the people we see at SR and in those around us, in NA meetings or wherever, have shown us that recovery is possible. With hard work, determination, and complete surrender to our illnesses, we can be helped by those who know how and care about our success. We have to believe that.
Send me a PM anytime. I got a little lost for a month or so, but I am back. The ups and downs of life are so fast I can't help but get nauseous and puke once in a while.
Take care. My best wishes to you,
Jennifer
