At age 49, my mortality is staring me in the face. My father died at this age of an alcohol related heart attack. I am overweight, with advanced fatty liver disease.
My third marriage is in jeopardy. And I know - for a fact - that I can do so much better with my life.
I have been drinking to some extent or another since I was 14.
I was diagnosed with depression in my 30's, acute panic disorder at 43 - so we added some tranquilizers to the mix.
I suffered a back injury in 8/2003, add pain killers.
I jumped at a chance to take a lucrative severance package and early retirement from my career in 2/2005, with the plan to get physically and mentally well and strong.
Two months later, with my pal vicodin on board, I had an accident with one of my horses that ripped my knee apart. 2 surgeries, an incredible amount of pain medicine and facing rehab just to walk.
I completely underestimated how my work defined me; as a woman, a manager; a success - and was blindsided by the shock and depression that hit when I did not have it. I was now just a crippled housewife, with a younger husband.
Just last Monday, as had become my daily regimen for over a year, I started my day with a drink, vicodin and ativan. By the end of the day I had consumed a 5th of vodka, 10 painkillers and a few more tranquilizers. The next morning, my husband said he had had enough and strangely enough, so had I.
I made plans to enter a 30 day rehab, but it didn't feel right.
I have had two periods of complete sobriety since age 14. When I was pregnant, until my daughter was about 2; and from age 39 to 42. Neither of those periods was for sobrietys sake - obviously the first was for my daughter and the second was to realize the dream of purchasing and training the first horse of my very own. I got in the best physical shape of my life.
That's how I know I can do better. I will get back to that person.