(hugs)
I read your post with interest because my deeply dysfunctional mother married her third husband when I was 19 and she expected me to act like he was my father. My mother lives in her own crazy, manipulative reality. Long ago, I forgave her and accepted that I have never had a loving, caring, and giving mother - and I never would!
It's so much easier on me now that I don't expect much from her. When she acts crazy and manipulative, I just stick to my own boundaries and refuse to allow her dysfunction to upset my life.
If its any consolation, many of my female friends have problematic relationships with their mothers. I have managed my own situation by sticking to my boundaries and refusing to allow my mother to play her sick, dysfunctional games.
Her response to this is that she rarely phones me anymore, and instead, torments my brother, who is not so good at setting boundaries.
It sounds like you are getting some clarity on the relationship between you and your Mum. That's great!